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So I've been sitting here at this screen for a while now, not entirely sure how I want to start.  The last week has been a complete whirl wind/roller coaster/emotional train wreck.  I am an emotional train wreck.

This time last week I was thinking how fast the work week was going by and just how fabulous that was.  The husband and I took the first steps towards buying a house- contacting a real estate agent and contacting a lender.

Thursday was good too- it was almost Friday and I was giddy about that.  After having a four day weekend, I really expected the week back to drag and feel like it was taking forever.  The lender asked for our financials, so we both gathered all the information and sent it over Thursday night.

Then Friday.  Sweet, glorious Friday.  The hubs texted me that morning saying that we got pre-approved for a loan... we were going to buy a house!  I was ecstatic.  BEYOND ecstatic.  I have wanted to own our own home for years, before it was even financially possible or reasonable.  I didn't care, I just wanted to be in our own place where I could paint the walls and put holes in them and hang shit.  We got approved for way more then we ever wanted to spend, but it was a pretty sweet ass feeling knowing that we could spend that kinda scrilla if we wanted.

I told my two best friends at work, who also happen to be my two best friends in my non-work life, and I was on cloud nine.  I ran into my bosses office and told her that we got pre-approved.  She glanced up at me and I think said "cool" or something along those lines, but she barely looked at me.  One of the owners was in her office too, and he high-fived me and asked what "pre-approved" meant.  I told him that it meant we could go buy a house now, that we have proof we can get a loan.  He wasn't very excited either.  I walked back out and told my friend "she wasn't even excited!" about my boss.

The rest of the day was just amazing... nothing could get me down and all I could think about was going and looking at houses and picking it out and moving and painting and new furniture and... I let my mind run wild.  Then it the end of the day, time to go home.  I didn't notice it then, but the entire upstairs (ok, just two other gals) cleared out and it was just me.  (As I write this I can feel my stomach go to knots and get that sick feeling.)  The owner of the company and my boss came up the stairs and walked over to me in the corner.  She had some paperwork in her hand, and they both sat down in chairs in front of my desk.   He said something about wanting to talk to me for a minute.  I instantly knew what was happening.  

I sat there in silence as I listened to him say how times are tough, the company hasn't been making money, they need to cut costs, I wasn't the only one... tears started streaming down my face.  I started closing all of open programs.   I really wanted to NOT cry and be tough and fake that I didn't care and that this wasn't going to upset me... THEY weren't going to have any power over me.  She handed me the paperwork... my "exit" paperwork.  He said that when I came in to her office this afternoon it just broke his heart to hear that we had gotten the pre-approval, and that he "hoped it didn't mess things up".  (How the hell could it not!?!?!??!).  More talking... I'm just sitting there crying.  Do I have questions about the paperwork?  Oh... I hadn't even looked at it.  I picked it up and thumbed through the documents, not reading a single thing.  He had the balls to tell me (which I've now found out was a complete LIE) that the other gal was not given a severance, and that it's really important for me to know that, and they really appreciated me and just want me to know that they felt I deserved one.  (Thanks ass-hat, how is that supposed to make me feel better?  That you shitting on another employee somehow shows that what.... you liked me better???)  THEN... he says to me "I know you'd rather be a mother than an International Account Rep anyway".   ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?  I mustered something along the lines, through my sobs, "in reality thats not happening".  

He continued with hopefully things will improve in the spring and of course I'm trained and I know the business... I stopped listening.  They got up, she went back to her office and he went downstairs.  I started to pack up my stuff.  I re-opened my outlook and deleted my personal email folder.  Once I was done, I walked into her office and asked her which key was for the front door, cause I couldn't remember. (Yes, I had to make sure to give up my key... they didn't even ask for it.  Oh, my house key looks almost identical and in that state I just couldn't tell which was which.)  She couldn't find her keys... and wasn't sure.... do I want to go downstairs and try the key in the door?  Thankfully, before I could glare and tell her NO I did NOT want to go downstairs and try it out, she found her keys.  I handed it over and walked out.  She must have been right behind me and went straight downstairs, because when I grabbed all my shit she was downstairs at the receptionist's desk-the other gal they let go.  She sat there with this stupid ass look on her face and on my way past her I was able to get the strength/courage to say "Will you just tell him that I wish he could have at least just been honest with me?  If sales are so bad......you just hired someone new a week ago."  Deer in the headlights looked back at me like, did someone just stand up to me?  Did someone just say something that was not agreeable with me?  She fumbled out " Uh, yeah, I will let him know" in a meek-mousy voice, and out I walked.

My world completely crashed.  I was in hysterical sobs.  I was just in complete shock, and well I still am.  What were we going to do?  We just got the pre-approval, what about the house?  What about our future?  What about ever having a family one day?  What about EVERYTHING?!?!?!?  I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and I could vomit at any time.  Thank god I only lived 4.5 miles from work, driving was not such a good idea.  

It hurts.  It hurts so freaking bad.  And not in the it hurts so much I like it kinda way either.  If sales were down, why did we hire someone new?  We were not in need of that new person, that department was just fine.  The only reason that person was hired so to replace the person already doing that job, so that person could move into a role that A-didn't need to be filled at the that time, and B- they had no knowledge of whatsoever.  If sales were really that bad, why not do pay cuts?  Why not reduce hours and put people on part-time?  Isn't/Shouldn't layoff's be your last option after the first two???  WHY ME?  It's just so personal.  I was the only one there that did the job I was doing.   I spent the two weeks before creating an International P&P Binder, as requested by her, since we were "documenting all processes".  I had joked to one of my best friends who also happened to be the Project Manager who had me do the binder, that I was sealing my fate by doing this and that they wouldn't need me anymore... ha ha ha.  IT WAS A JOKE!  A really bad, terrible, offensive joke.

I'm so hurt and angry and just... I feel betrayed.  I had been there 2 1/2 years.  I was invested.  I knew the business.  I was the last persona in the office (there were a few remote people) who was there when I got hired.  Everyone who was already there when I started weren't there anymore.  I came home and just cried in my husbands shoulder.  I had ruined everything.  Everything we had ever worked for and everything I had ever wanted was ruined.  How were we supposed to move forward or do anything if I no longer had an income?  I hadn't been happy there for a while, it was alway hit and miss with that place, but if I didn't need to be there I wouldn't have been.  In order to do what I want to do, I needed to be working.

My best friends came right over as soon as they were allowed to leave the office (apparently they had to have an immediate meeting about what happened and made everyone stay late, even though they refuse to pay any OT).   It was a rough night.  I held it together and didn't cry infront of them, but my face was already puffy and swollen before they got there.  I tried to sleep that night, I don't remember falling asleep or even moving.  When I woke up my face stung from all the tears and my eye lids felt 10 time the normal size.  My husband looked down at me and I instantly started to cry.  Again.  What was I going to do?

It has been four days since my world has been completely turned upside down.  I have much more to say, and much more to get off my chest.  Perhaps another day.