Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree!

OH how I love thee!  I absolutely freaking love Christmas.  It is the best time of year and my favorite holiday.  I just love the whole idea of it; making a big to-do about spending time with your family that bugs the shit out of you, getting gifts for them that you know will make them squeal like a pig, and eating so much you actually look like said squealing pig.

Holiday Party

Christmas Past

I also love the traditions that Christmas brings.  Hubs and I have made our own over the last few years and they really are just simple things that make me light up like a lightening bug.  Sometimes I think he could care less about some of the things, but he knows it makes me happy so he shut's up about it keeps his head down.  Happy Wife, Happy Life, am I right?  We spend every Christmas Eve at his Grandma's house even though it is about two hours away.  Totes worth it.  The man is 31 years old and never missed a Christmas Eve there.  I'll be damned if I'm going to be the one who ruins his "favorite" status.  We get one new ornament every year that symbolizes something major that happened for us.  This year, my Grandmother gave us a "new home" ornament, and we bought a "new dog" ornament.  Christmas dinner ALWAYS consists of prime rib and green beans cooked in bacon grease (OM NOM NOM!!).  Christmas night we load up with hot chocolate and drive around looking at Christmas lights.  My mother also informed me she still has "The Night Before Christmas" book from the 1980's that she read to us as children.  It's earmarked for me when we have our first little bambino!  Don't think for one second I won't be bawling my eyes out as soon as I get my grubby hands on it.

Too. Much. Christmas.

My husband is soooo better than yours.

This year we had Ruxin and I totally went all out for him.  I know he is only a dog, but he's my dog dammit!  He ended up with two stockings full of toys and rawhides, plus home-baked dog cookies.  Love the little bastard!

I do love Christmas so much we've already talked about Christmas next year and how it's pretty much going to suck donkey balls.  I mean, it's on a Tuesday for crying out loud!  Who has Christmas on a Tuesday?  Christmas Eve on Monday? Pssssha.... I don't know about this.  There is definitely going to have to be some trickery in the time-off from work department.  

This was also our first Christmas in our new house.  And I must say, that fricken rocked!  We procured ourselves a 9-foot beaut of a tree and I've started my Christmas decor collection.  Watch out 20 years from now- you won't know what hit ya!  

Hope everyone out there had a very Merry Christmas!   

I Hate To Admit It, But I Forgot About You

I just read my last post from god-know-how-long-ago... and I actually sounded kinda cool!  At least I think so anyway.  It had been so long since I was on here that I didn't even remember what I had written.  I didn't recognize myself.  I don't know how I feel about that, other than it makes me a little sad.  I kinda wish I didn't give up and go on some stupid ass hiatus.  IDK...it is what it is I guess!

Lots of stuff has happened in the last 5 months.  Let me enlighten you...

Now you are all caught up!  Maybe I'll get back to writing...  maybe I won't... wouldn't you like to know?  LOL you probably couldn't care less.  And you know what?  That is fine by me!

We Meet Again...

...My long lost friend!  Shh.  Don't speak.  (I'm holding up my finger to your lips... play along here.)  I know I haven't been around lately, and I know I haven't been treating you like you deserve.  Or even like I said I would thousands and thousands of times before.  I'm sorry.  I know I've been distant... not wanting to be around you. I'm sorry.  Sometimes I get these thoughts and feelings that I don't know what to do with them and it's just easier to pull into myself and hold it all in.  Are you mad?  Can you forgive me?

Ok, now that the groveling is out of the way!  Apparently, I am fantastic about setting goals (weekly blogging ring a bell anyone?) and breaking them all to shit.  Sure feels good to find out what you are good at in life!  Am I right??

I find that as much as I love this blog and want to write like every day, and like, share like all my thoughts and feelings.... that is the same reason that I don't.  I feel a little like this blog has tuned me in to myself and I've finally register the amount of crazy that is me... and I don't know if that is a level of crazy I'm willing to accept. Or flaunt.  I'm so worried about what people are going to think about me, or say about me, or judge me, that I end up just not writing anything at all, when in reality I have loads of stuff to write about.  I just choose not to.  Somewhere, the professional bloggers and hipsters are sitting with their laptops and $5 coffees with a thought bubble saying "why in the hell did you even start a blog?".  BECAUSE, you snotty hipsters, I like writing.  I like words.  I like stories.  I. Like. Writing.  

I think I might just have my head too far up my own ass to really let go, but I'm not willing to give it up.  I still want to write and say what I want and have that be that.  So much has gone on this last month; I kinda sorta wish I had wrote about some of it.  We are still waiting on the house (that has been just a freakin' blast dont-cha-know!).  Short sales still blow... but hopefully this week or next we'll finally get our offer from the bank and being able to go into closing.  Now I feel like the waiting on the house is putting my life on hold. (OMG was that a feeling?  That I just wrote about? I think i might vomit...).  And we all just know how MUCH I love thinking and feeling that something other than myself is controlling or dictating my life.  Eff that ish.  I'm just ready to get this damn show on the road.  Like a traveling circus.  Or not.  Whatever.  I don't care.  I have come to realize though, in this last month, I am the most impatient bitche you will ever meet.  EVAH.  

I'd say I promise to write again soon, but that will work about as well as shoving a square peg through a round hole.  

Short Sale-Shmort Sale!

I swear, every day feels like an eternity when waiting on someone else to say if you can buy the house of your dreams or not.  It has been two and a half weeks since we put the offer in on our new house.  It was accepted immediately (literally about 19-20 hours later we get the accepted response!) by the sellers, but because it is a short sale we still have to wait for the bank accept our offer as well.  Yes, I do realize that two and a half weeks is like chump-change in the world of short sales, but for me it's just ridiculous.  How hard is it/how long does it honestly take, to look at our financials, our pre-approval, and tell us we can have the damn house???  

It's strange, as much as we are in charge of our futures and are making the decisions that we want to make, we have absolutely no control over this it.  And it freaking blows!  We've done all that we can in regards to getting our selves prepared financially, determining the area we want to live in, scouring the listings, knowing our budget... and even with all of that the whole shebang is in someone else's hands.  We love that house!  We refer to is as "our" house, I've been telling the cats they are going to go to our new house... hell we even drove by it this last weekend just to look at it.

We did get good news though late last week.  The sellers agent talked to our agent, who emailed us and said that the bank had already ordered and received the appraisal for the house.  This is huge because that appraisal determines what the house is worth now (and not what the sellers bought it for eons ago and not what the remaining amount due on their loan says) and essentially tells the bank how much they might potentially lose out on due to the short sale and current economic state, and what they can reasonably expect to sell the house for now.  We hadn't heard anything in the two week period after the sellers accepted our offer so it was a BIG relief knowing that the bank was working on us and at least doing something!  Short sales can take months to go through and be finalized, and I don't want to be shoved to the bottom of some stack of papers that are just collecting dust.  By the by, why in the hell does it have to take months and months for short sales to go through?  It's as easy as a pre-approved buyer, a seller accepted offer, and an appraisal on the house.  End. Of. Story.  Seriously, I could do short sales here people!

Annnnnywho, things around here have been the norm for us!  Work is getting better for me and I'm starting to feel like I fit in there-slash-they accept me more now.  Valentines day was pretty freakin' awesome to boot!  The hubs took me up to a beautiful ski resort where we went ice skating!  I honestly haven't been ice skating for 15-18 years (holy hell I feel a decrepit old bag!!) and it was just so much fun.  We were like little kids up there racing each other and trying every we could to not fall on our asses.  I am proud to say that neither of us actually fell! For sure I thought I would come home bruised and looking like a rotting corpse from all the discoloration.  It was beautiful up there, I'll post pictures soon!

To Insure Or Not To Insure?

Reason number 86 why losing your job totally blows?  Losing your insurance.  And when I say this blows, I really mean it!  I'm not a sickly person, but I do feel much better knowing I have coverage in case something does happen.  Car wrecks, freak accidents, terminal diagnosis happen every single day.  Those are just the huge issues.  It is flu season, food poisoning happens, trip and break your ankle... all likely possibilities that could require a trip to the doctor or urgent care or better yet the ER.  

About two years ago I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  (If you google this you'll see how non-serious it is and how common it is).  It was March of 2009 that I started going to the doctor, and I literally went every month  after that through October for follow ups and blood work to have my medication adjusted until the right dose was found.  EVERY month it was adjusted up, or down.  Also in March/April of 2009 my doctor told me "you have a lump" where my thyroid gland is (on your throat) and that I needed to have an ultrasound done to see what was going on.  Not only did I completely lose my shit when he told me, but I had to go and have a procedure done.  Turns out it was just an enlarged thyroid gland and no freakin' lump as he I had said.  Side note, can't we PLEASE make it illegal or something for doctors to use the word "lump"?  That was really not OK.  January of 2010 I went back to the doctors for a follow up, and my medication wasn't right again.  So I started going back to the doctor on a monthly basis with blood work being taken every month and my medication being adjusted all over the place.  Finally in June of 2010 I went to see a specialist (I felt like my doctor just couldn't get it under control, he miss-read my results at my last appointment which in turn had him adjust my medication incorrectly, and told me that if we didn't get my thyroid under control it would be very hard to get pregnant as the thyroid was a regulator of your body) and she worked more with me on what made me feel better vs. just what my numbers said.  I really liked her and felt like she listened to me.  She ever so kindly reassured me that my thyroid levels were so close to normal that I shouldn't have any side effects/complications in trying to conceive-whenever that may be.  

Hypothyroidism really isn't a huge deal.  It just means that my thyroid doesn't produce enough "stuff" to function properly.  Without the medication the biggest side effect is being sleepy all the time.  I used to take a 2-3 hour nap almost every day after work and then usually a 2-3 hour nap on either Saturday or Sunday.  I was always sleeping.  My grandma has it, and so do millions of other people.  I'll most likely be on some sort of daily medication for the rest of my life, and I'm OK with that.

So, as you can see, I was very fortunate to have insurance during that time.  For almost a year straight I had monthly doctors appointments and monthly blood work done at the lab.  Not having insurance now just makes me nervous.  Before starting at the job I got laid off from, I didn't care if I had insurance or not.  It never really mattered.  Now it's just a necessity like gas for the car.  The issue I'm running into now is just how expensive insurance is.  My last job paid a set amount towards your coverage and you got to pick from like 15 different plans.  If your plan cost less then what the company paid then you didn't have any paycheck deductions.  If the plan you chose cost more, you paid the difference.  I was paying about $36 per check  for my health insurance AND vision and dental.  Apparently that was a really sweet set up.  To be added on to my husbands insurance is $400 per month.  Did I mention I ended up taking a $4/hour pay cut in accepting this new job?  I could get insurance through my job now but it's only a temporary position so in about six months, if they don't offer me a permanent position, I'll lose that insurance too.  I could have done COBRA and extended my insurance from my last job, but that was close to $360 a month.

I've been looking getting private insurance, so no matter what my job situation looks like I'll still have coverage.  I don't know if my little thyroid-fun-times is considered "pre-existing" or not, so getting something and getting established as soon as possible is a good thing because you never know what will happen.  I've found some pretty reasonable prices on private insurance, as low as $100 per month.  Granted, it's not as fabulous as the insurance I had, but it's better than nothing.  The downside though is that no one wants to cover maternity through private insurance.  I've contacted a handful of companies that administer private insurance here and they all have given me the same info: basically no.  Knowing how expensive my husbands insurance is to put me on it, the best thing for us is for me to get private insurance and get myself established and past any sort of waiting periods there may be.  There are two private insurance plans that will cover maternity, however they aren't an option either.  One is $400 per month and the other is $450, and BOTH have a twelve-month waiting period.  A-can't afford either one (if I/we could afford the $400 per month then I'd just be on my husbands insurance) and B-you can shove your damn twelve month waiting period.  Granted, that's not forever from now but I'm always worried about the what-if's.  What-if we got a surprise before the twelve-months were up?  Then what?  Also, I don't want some company telling me when I can or cannot choose to do things in my own life.

A gal at my new work, who is a temp like me, happens to be pregnant and told me about this program called Access to Healthcare Network, or AHN.  Its not insurance, but a discount program.  No co-pays,  no invoices or bills, nothing like that.  You have to meet income requirements (hey lookey here, I totally meet those now!) and pay a membership fee ($288 for one year) for how long you want to be in the program.  Essentially you have a membership-type card instead of insurance cards, and you pay at the time of your visit/exam/procedure and greatly discounted prices.  There's no waiting period, no restrictions, nothing that isn't covered.  I've been looking into and think that it might be a good option for now.  My thyroid is under control right now and I don't have any other issues that I know of LOL, so at least if I had to go to the doctor I know I wouldn't be turned away for not having insurance and I know that I wouldn't get some crazy-ass bill in the mail.  The gal at work is using it for her current pregnancy (this is her second kid and she used AHN with her first because her husbands insurance is too expensive for her and her first-born), and she hasn't had any issues or been denied any sort of care.  

We'll see.  I sent the link and info to my husband to look over so we can make a decision on what we should do.  I really hate being up in the air with this and feeling like almost every option there is isn't a viable one for one reason or another.  I'm always convinced that the worst thing is going to happen in every situation, so of course I think that during the time I don't have insurance something,  ANYTHING is going to happen to me that is totally going to screw us over.  All we need right now is to get some couple-thousand dollar hospital bill.  

I'm BAAAA-AAAACK!

So I totally suck.  And I know it.  But you'll forgive me, right?  Of course you will!  It was not my intent to take an almost two-week hiatus on this here bloggy thing, but thats what ended up happening.  Speaking of happening... a lot of shit has gone down these last two weeks and I shall enlighten you...

So I have been at my new job for two weeks now-it has its up's and down's.  The job itself is pretty easy, and it's pretty slow there.  That's the upside.  The downside?  I'm kinda bored out of my mind for most of the time (they aren't really teaching me anything just kinda leaving me out there on my own), and I kinda-sorta feel one of the girls isn't my biggest fan.  If I want to something to do there or want to be taught, I have to ask.  It's very strange from I'm used too in being the newbie and being taught everything.  Although, I do really like that it's very chill and laid back there.  There is definitely no taking work home with you...I'm not thinking about work at home or anything.  I also feel like I could run the place already after just two weeks,  so I'm not being challenged in anyway.  BUT, I'm working and having money coming in so really I have nothing to bitch about LOL.

Hubs and I are moving forward with the house-buying.  I for sure thought that my job losing was going to royally screw with all of our plans, but it turns out that removing my income from the pre-qual process for a loan didn't do anything.  NOT A THING.  Apparently, compared to my husband, my income was pretty insignificant.  Fabulous isn't it?  It didn't bother me at all, I was genuinely surprised that I didn't eff the whole thing up.  Seriously, we qualify for the exact same loan amount with or without my previous income in the equation.  (Looks like I totally married up!!)  

We decided to go look at houses last weekend and just get started with the process.  We've been doing a lot of online "window shopping" with the houses around here, and I kinda think that the hubs said we should go look at places in person to try to get me out of my funk.  Well, it worked and then some!  We looked at some places last Sunday and totally fell in love with one.  It was the very first house we saw, and at first we both thought that it was just alright and that there wasn't anything special about it.  Four or five houses later... including a foreclosure that was missing light switches (yes, the actual switch on the wall) and all the bathroom faucets, the first house was screaming our names.   We scheduled a second showing two nights later.  OH EM GEE did we freaking love that place.  It is in a great new-construction neighborhood about two minutes from hubby's work.  It has good schools (Yes, I've been thinking about that even though we don't have kids YET, but we plan to be in our first house for a while so there's a good possibility a kid of our [did I ever mention I wanted three?] will be starting school there), we love that area, and with the housing market the way it is we are able to buy a house we couldn't have even blinked at 3-4 years ago.  This was Tuesday night.  Wednesday we decided we wanted to put in offer in.  We just couldn't bear the thought of someone else snagging it from us.  We signed the papers after work Wednesday night.  Thursday afternoon at 1pm the sellers ACCEPTED OUR OFFER!  I couldn't even believe it... they accepted in less than 24 hours!   Who does that?!?!?!  The house is a short sale, so even though the sellers have accepted our offer we still have to wait for the bank to accept/decline/counter...whatever they are going to do.  It could be a few weeks to a couple of months until we hear anything from them.  

I can tell you right now everyday is like an eternity, and I know it's only going to get worse waiting and waiting for the bank to respond.  Our agent and the sellers agent are very optimistic and have both said that there should be no reason the bank doesn't accept and they are both very confident that we are going to get this house.  We are already referring to this house as our house.  It feels too good to be true, it has been less than a week that we started looking at houses and we already found one, made an offer, and got it accepted.  One of my best friends told me its not that it is too good to be true, but that this is meant to be for us.  I'll take it! 

So as you can see, a lot of shit has been going down here.  I am also feeling much better about everything, and am finally starting to believe that I didn't ruin everything we had going for us.  It is all still an adjustment for me, for us, but I am beyond thankful that our life is still moving forward in the direction we have planned and worked so hard to finally get to.  I am no longer using the phrase "twenty-eleven is going to be my year"... cause well we can all see just exactly how far that got me.  You can say I'm more cautiously optimistic.  

Oh- I didn't make my January goal of no fast food either.  EPIC. FAIL.  I had Panda Express on the 27th.  I debated whether or not it was fast food, and decided that because it was Chinese food it wasn't fast food.  I had blinded myself and was only looking at the Taco Bells' and McDonald's as fast food.  I honestly didn't think it counted, but the hubs said it did.  I was bummed about it, but it was my own damn fault.  I haven't set a February goal... not sure that I'm going to continue this monthly resolution or not.  I'm not as excited about it as I was before!  I will start blogging more frequently though.  I've been in such a depressing funk I didn't want to write it out and let everyone into what I was experiencing.  Not even the hubs knew what was going on, I was like a corked, depressed bottle.  I'm still a bitter-betty about the whole thing, but I'm functioning again and doing better.  

Until we meet again bloggy world!

Mamma's Got a Brand New Job!

Today was my first day at my new job!  WOOOOO!  I got really lucky in landing a job so fast, I was off work two weeks to the day when I got offered the new position.  I gladly accepted!  Last Thursday I had to go to our local Job Connect office to register, as a requirement of filing for unemployment (which reminds me, I'm sure I need to tell someone, somewhere, that I got monies coming in!), and let me just tell you that place was scary.  All kinds of weird ass people were up in there.  Lot's of... how shall  I say.... tweakers?  Yes.  Tweakers.  I was NOT happy about being in there for almost two hours, so that night when I got the call asking if I could go in the next day for a second interview and "meet all the gals in the office and talk more about the position" I was totally excited!

Right now, it's only a temporary position, 6 months, with the possibility of going permanent, but it's better that not working at all.  Plus,  I have 6 months to wow them with my sparkling personality and dazzling wit, all the while still earning some scrilla!

I know I'm a day late on my "weekly blogging" goal, but I have been in such a funk lately that I haven't wanted to write anything cause A- I don't really know what to say, and B- I think all I would be writing is emotional gibberish.  All last week I was all over the emotion spectrum, and writing about it was the farthest thing from my mind.  If I wrote it out, then that made it real and I didn't want all of that to be real.  

This last weekend started out pretty good though.  I went shopping Saturday for some dress work clothes (loooooove shopping!) and then Saturday night we were getting together with friends.  One of my closest friends  came down with some sort of viral infection, which ended up with her going to the ER- so worry and concern for her took over.  You never want the people closest to you to feel any sort of pain or hurt, and it's absolutely terrible when they do and you aren't able to do anything to make it better.  I am still very worried for her and praying she gets better soon.  

Hopefully this will be a good week! 

'Til next time!!

Sixteen Days Down, Fifteen More!

I am still abiding by not eating fast food for this whole month, and I am VERY proud to say that I have not cheated once!  I have not eaten fast food since New Years Eve (ohh Taco Bell... you were beyond delicious!), and I am feeling pretty damn good about it.  There is no doubt in my mind that I can make it through the end of the month.  Now, I'm starting to wonder what my February goal will be.  Maybe I'll just continue not eating fast food through February as well, although from where I'm at right now that seems daunting.

The constant thinking about it during the first week has completely stopped, and thank God for that!   I think being laid off and spending time at home is definitely helping.  I didn't think I'd really find a silver lining in all of that, but I guess here it is!  I'm still working out the same as I was before, and I haven't changed any other eating habits.  I don't "feel" any different, just proud that I have been able to stick to this so far.  I can see the end result is just around the corner!

Untitled, Part Deux

I cannot get my mind to stop going back to Friday.  As soon as I lay down to go to sleep, it's like my brain is a movie projected and the inside of my eye lids are the screen.  I've been sleeping terribly.  The hubs is doing everything that he can to be extra sweet and lovey to me.  He brought me home  Lungs by Florence and the Machine, which I love!  He doesn't want me to be sad or depressed or to keep thinking about it, what's done is done and it's in the past.  But how do you not?  As soon as I wake up I think about it and what happened and how this effects the future and well, basically everything.  I don't know how to turn my brain off.  I don't want to be sad in front of him, but sometimes I am just falling apart inside.  

The thing that hurts the most is knowing the ramifications of what being layed off right now does to us.  The hubs is much more optimistic than I am, and thank god for that.  To him it's just a blip in the road, a speed bump,  "it is what it is".  I, however, am much more doom and gloom about this.  I am very end-result focused, and he is more process and planning focused.  So all I can see right now is what I want, or my "end result", and how it's basically totally fucked.  It sucks.  I know I'm probably being a bit over dramatic.  But this is how I feel, so this is my reality at this moment.  

Saturday started out really rough.  I was in such a shocked state, I felt like a zombie walking around.  Hubs went snowboarding in the morning, and I actually got up and showered.  I started to work on my resume- something I hadn't done for years but thank god it was up to date minus the info from the job I just lost.  But then, something surprisingly awesome happened.  Hubs texted me saying the guys and significant others want to come over to watch football- was I up to it?  YES!  It was amazing.  Instantly I felt better and was smiling. Thank god I showered earlier, LOL.  

It was great having some people over and laughing and enjoying some company.  It felt so good!  I'm thankful to have the friends that we do.  I'm not a big fan of football as it is, nor do I really pay attention to it, but it didn't even matter.  

I've been applying to jobs like crazy, hoping that I can find something quickly and not need to use much or any of my severance, and especially not go on unemployment.  Save the unemployment for a later time!  Save the severance for unexpected expenses or hell just have a nice savings account!  

My emotions are definitely all over the place still; OK one minute and on the verge of tears the next.  It'll take some time but I know it will get better.  It's had to see that right now, but it really will all work out in the end.  If I end up having to go on unemployment, then thats what has to happen.  All the bills will still get paid, and that's the most important thing.  I had two phone interviews with one company yesterday, and  they sent me some information to look over regarding their company.  I called them back this morning and told them that yes I was very much interested.  They will call me before end of business today or tomorrow morning to set up a face to face interview... So this is absolutely good news!  

Please keep your fingers crossed, keep us in your prayers, send good thoughts, etc., etc. for our family.  We will take anything we can get!

Untitled

So I've been sitting here at this screen for a while now, not entirely sure how I want to start.  The last week has been a complete whirl wind/roller coaster/emotional train wreck.  I am an emotional train wreck.

This time last week I was thinking how fast the work week was going by and just how fabulous that was.  The husband and I took the first steps towards buying a house- contacting a real estate agent and contacting a lender.

Thursday was good too- it was almost Friday and I was giddy about that.  After having a four day weekend, I really expected the week back to drag and feel like it was taking forever.  The lender asked for our financials, so we both gathered all the information and sent it over Thursday night.

Then Friday.  Sweet, glorious Friday.  The hubs texted me that morning saying that we got pre-approved for a loan... we were going to buy a house!  I was ecstatic.  BEYOND ecstatic.  I have wanted to own our own home for years, before it was even financially possible or reasonable.  I didn't care, I just wanted to be in our own place where I could paint the walls and put holes in them and hang shit.  We got approved for way more then we ever wanted to spend, but it was a pretty sweet ass feeling knowing that we could spend that kinda scrilla if we wanted.

I told my two best friends at work, who also happen to be my two best friends in my non-work life, and I was on cloud nine.  I ran into my bosses office and told her that we got pre-approved.  She glanced up at me and I think said "cool" or something along those lines, but she barely looked at me.  One of the owners was in her office too, and he high-fived me and asked what "pre-approved" meant.  I told him that it meant we could go buy a house now, that we have proof we can get a loan.  He wasn't very excited either.  I walked back out and told my friend "she wasn't even excited!" about my boss.

The rest of the day was just amazing... nothing could get me down and all I could think about was going and looking at houses and picking it out and moving and painting and new furniture and... I let my mind run wild.  Then it the end of the day, time to go home.  I didn't notice it then, but the entire upstairs (ok, just two other gals) cleared out and it was just me.  (As I write this I can feel my stomach go to knots and get that sick feeling.)  The owner of the company and my boss came up the stairs and walked over to me in the corner.  She had some paperwork in her hand, and they both sat down in chairs in front of my desk.   He said something about wanting to talk to me for a minute.  I instantly knew what was happening.  

I sat there in silence as I listened to him say how times are tough, the company hasn't been making money, they need to cut costs, I wasn't the only one... tears started streaming down my face.  I started closing all of open programs.   I really wanted to NOT cry and be tough and fake that I didn't care and that this wasn't going to upset me... THEY weren't going to have any power over me.  She handed me the paperwork... my "exit" paperwork.  He said that when I came in to her office this afternoon it just broke his heart to hear that we had gotten the pre-approval, and that he "hoped it didn't mess things up".  (How the hell could it not!?!?!??!).  More talking... I'm just sitting there crying.  Do I have questions about the paperwork?  Oh... I hadn't even looked at it.  I picked it up and thumbed through the documents, not reading a single thing.  He had the balls to tell me (which I've now found out was a complete LIE) that the other gal was not given a severance, and that it's really important for me to know that, and they really appreciated me and just want me to know that they felt I deserved one.  (Thanks ass-hat, how is that supposed to make me feel better?  That you shitting on another employee somehow shows that what.... you liked me better???)  THEN... he says to me "I know you'd rather be a mother than an International Account Rep anyway".   ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?  I mustered something along the lines, through my sobs, "in reality thats not happening".  

He continued with hopefully things will improve in the spring and of course I'm trained and I know the business... I stopped listening.  They got up, she went back to her office and he went downstairs.  I started to pack up my stuff.  I re-opened my outlook and deleted my personal email folder.  Once I was done, I walked into her office and asked her which key was for the front door, cause I couldn't remember. (Yes, I had to make sure to give up my key... they didn't even ask for it.  Oh, my house key looks almost identical and in that state I just couldn't tell which was which.)  She couldn't find her keys... and wasn't sure.... do I want to go downstairs and try the key in the door?  Thankfully, before I could glare and tell her NO I did NOT want to go downstairs and try it out, she found her keys.  I handed it over and walked out.  She must have been right behind me and went straight downstairs, because when I grabbed all my shit she was downstairs at the receptionist's desk-the other gal they let go.  She sat there with this stupid ass look on her face and on my way past her I was able to get the strength/courage to say "Will you just tell him that I wish he could have at least just been honest with me?  If sales are so bad......you just hired someone new a week ago."  Deer in the headlights looked back at me like, did someone just stand up to me?  Did someone just say something that was not agreeable with me?  She fumbled out " Uh, yeah, I will let him know" in a meek-mousy voice, and out I walked.

My world completely crashed.  I was in hysterical sobs.  I was just in complete shock, and well I still am.  What were we going to do?  We just got the pre-approval, what about the house?  What about our future?  What about ever having a family one day?  What about EVERYTHING?!?!?!?  I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and I could vomit at any time.  Thank god I only lived 4.5 miles from work, driving was not such a good idea.  

It hurts.  It hurts so freaking bad.  And not in the it hurts so much I like it kinda way either.  If sales were down, why did we hire someone new?  We were not in need of that new person, that department was just fine.  The only reason that person was hired so to replace the person already doing that job, so that person could move into a role that A-didn't need to be filled at the that time, and B- they had no knowledge of whatsoever.  If sales were really that bad, why not do pay cuts?  Why not reduce hours and put people on part-time?  Isn't/Shouldn't layoff's be your last option after the first two???  WHY ME?  It's just so personal.  I was the only one there that did the job I was doing.   I spent the two weeks before creating an International P&P Binder, as requested by her, since we were "documenting all processes".  I had joked to one of my best friends who also happened to be the Project Manager who had me do the binder, that I was sealing my fate by doing this and that they wouldn't need me anymore... ha ha ha.  IT WAS A JOKE!  A really bad, terrible, offensive joke.

I'm so hurt and angry and just... I feel betrayed.  I had been there 2 1/2 years.  I was invested.  I knew the business.  I was the last persona in the office (there were a few remote people) who was there when I got hired.  Everyone who was already there when I started weren't there anymore.  I came home and just cried in my husbands shoulder.  I had ruined everything.  Everything we had ever worked for and everything I had ever wanted was ruined.  How were we supposed to move forward or do anything if I no longer had an income?  I hadn't been happy there for a while, it was alway hit and miss with that place, but if I didn't need to be there I wouldn't have been.  In order to do what I want to do, I needed to be working.

My best friends came right over as soon as they were allowed to leave the office (apparently they had to have an immediate meeting about what happened and made everyone stay late, even though they refuse to pay any OT).   It was a rough night.  I held it together and didn't cry infront of them, but my face was already puffy and swollen before they got there.  I tried to sleep that night, I don't remember falling asleep or even moving.  When I woke up my face stung from all the tears and my eye lids felt 10 time the normal size.  My husband looked down at me and I instantly started to cry.  Again.  What was I going to do?

It has been four days since my world has been completely turned upside down.  I have much more to say, and much more to get off my chest.  Perhaps another day.

5 Days In, 26 More To Go!

Dear Diary/Journal/Blog/No One,

Today was day 5 without eating fast food.  Only day 5... it's not like I'm doing anything spectacular here.  I am one of those people when told not to do something or told I can't have something, then that is the thing I want to do the most.  The thing I think about the most.  Well... from my own doing, I can't stop thinking about fast food.  I don't even hardly eat this stuff!  But, now it's allll I think about, for most of the day.  Yesterday three people in the office had Taco Bell and when I went downstairs OH EM GEE did it smell good. I instantly wanted it.  This is terrible!  I know I won't always feel like this, but when will this obsessive thinking about it stop?  I hate this.

Today wasn't much better.  I don't know what happened this morning, but I just could not get my shit together in time.  It didn't feel like I was taking an overly long shower or anything, but before I knew it it was time to go. I wasn't even dressed!  I rushed around knocking this over, spilling that over... I ran downstairs and realized I left all my gym clothes upstairs.  Back upstairs I go.  Grab my clothes and back downstairs, it's 7:58!  I'm supposed to be at work at 8.  I texted my boss that I was running late, she texted back "haha so am I, no problem!".  Phew.  I put a k-cup in my Keuring and get some coffee... spill that on my hand.  I go to leave and the fish tank is still dark, meaning I didn't feed them.  So I turn the lights on and give them breakfast.  I go to make my lunch and it's already 8:10... I have GOT to go.  I grab a packet of pop-tarts and run out the door, making it to work by 8:20.

I felt horrible.  There was no reason for me to be late to work, I felt so guilty.  My boss was really understanding, I walked to her office as soon as I got there and said "I made it!" and she laughed and was totally fine with it.

In all my crazyness this morning, I did not make myself a lunch.  I had to get to work.  I knew walking out the door this was a bad, bad idea and just setting myself up to fail.  I ate my pop-tarts in the early morning, but I knew they wouldn't be enough.  So for lunch I went to Subway.  With all of their healthier options and the whole "Jared-from-Subway-guy", I figured it was a better option.  I still didn't want to do it, but I knew I wasn't going to make it until I got home AFTER working out.  Please, working out after not eating all day?  That spells passing out!  I got a 6-inch Turkey Melt on Wheat.  It was delicious.  I don't regret eating it, but I really, really regret having an off morning and not making my lunch this morning.  I know it's better and easier for me to bring food with me.  I love left overs, we have stuff for sandwiches, frozen burritos... I have all the stuff here that I need.

I don't count Subway as fast food.  When I think fast food, I think McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendys, Burger King, things like that.  I honestly do not believe that I ate fast food today.  I still don't feel good  or happy about it, but I at least still haven't eaten fast food.

I'm mainly upset that it's only 5 days in and I've already messed up.  I couldn't even make it a full week. It sucks. I will not let this get me down.  I will not quit.  I will not dwell on this.

"Let the rain of today, wash away the pain of yesterday".

Thanks Diary/Journal/Blog/No One for listening, and not saying one judgmental word to me about it.